Two Sides

•August 1, 2018 • Leave a Comment

There are two sides to every story, but I have always told the truth. Even when it hurt me. Even when I wanted to hide and lie to save my own face, my own reputation. I did not. I told the truth and will continue to do so. Always.

There is always two sides to every story, but I have never shied away from my hand in the carnage. I never hid parts of the story from my friends, from my family, from anyone. I owned my mistakes. Others did not. I held myself accountable more than anyone else did, more than anyone else was held to account.

Each story may have two sides, but what about the things very few ever saw. The police, and the lies I told them to save him. The time and effort expended upon trying to fix the damage I had wrought. The gentle caresses, and the harsh answering words and hand.

And what about you? You who so long pretended to be my friend, my lover. What about you? With your lies and your games. What kind of a person are you? Who can stand to believe the lies of someone who wrought so much damage?

I can’t sleep without two or three locks on my door. I often get up to check it. I cannot breathe if I encounter the past, striding down the old streets of the city. I am the one who feels sick, the one whose heart still races when a man touches me, when he moves too suddenly.

And yet, you say things like there are two sides to every story, and there are. But not to this one. Not from me. I have told the truth, I have been held accountable, I have weathered my reckoning. I live with my sins.

Do you?


The Nightmare Part 13

•October 23, 2017 • 2 Comments

Nate mindlessly stares at the computer screen in his office. He is broken from his reverie by a loud knocking at the door.

‘What is it Jen?’ Nate snaps not even bothering to look up from his work. The timid girl standing in the doorway looks terrified.

‘Um… The Carlsberg needs changing and Dan doesn’t start until 7.’ Nate sighs loudly in frustration and Jen backs up automatically. He stands up quickly.

‘Fine. I’ll do it.’ He looks up at her for the first time and he is struck by the look on her face. She looks like she might cry. Nate realizes how aggressive he’s being and shakes himself internally.

‘I’m sorry Jen. I didn’t mean to snap. Just got a lot on my mind right now. Come on, let’s go.’ He smiles at her and she relaxes.

‘No problem. I know you’ve been busy.’ They walk downstairs and Nate forces himself to smile at Tilly who’s still serving on the bar. He goes downstairs and sets about changing the barrel. His muscles ache a little and he isn’t sure why. Once the barrel is on and it’s been pulled through, Nate goes back to his office on auto pilot. He realizes that the feeling in the pit of his stomach is fear. He picks up his phone and starts flicking through Instagram. He comes across one of Lucy’s posts, and smiles. He closes the app and hits call.

‘Hey, it’s Lucy! Sorry, can’t come to the phone right now! Leave a message and I’ll call you back! Ciao!’ He frowns. She never turns her phone off. He calls again. Answer machine. He begins to get a little worried. He checks messenger and the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach rages through his whole body. She hasn’t been online in over 2 days. He runs his hand through his hair roughly. He can barely think. There’s something wrong. He just knows it. He grabs the leather jacket from the back of his chair and almost charges down the stairs, headlong into Jen. She jumps out of his way. He stops at the edge of the bar.

‘What’s up Jen? I’ve got to go out for a bit.’ Jen clears her throat and inclines her head towards the bar. He looks over her shoulder and clenches his fist. He fixes a smile onto his face and saunters over to the bar.

‘To what do I owe the pleasure, Adraiana?’ She smirks at him and nausea gathers in the pit of his stomach, shocking him.

‘I need to talk to you. In private.’ She winks and licks her lips. He forces a smile.

‘Sorry darlin’, I’m on the way out. Don’t know how long I’m gonna be. I’ll catch you later.’ He turns on his heel and walks straight out of the door, so he doesn’t see the dark, angry look which rampages across her face. He doesn’t see her stand up, throw her bag over her shoulder and pull her phone out of her pocket.

‘Sir, I think we have a problem.’

The Nightmare Part 12

•October 23, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A/N: Sorry it’s been a while, tech issues and a touch of writers block. But I’m back on it 🙂 K xx


‘Baby?’ Rai’s soft voice cuts through the nightmare Nate was embroiled in. He sits up with a start, bathed in a cold sweat and gasping for breath.

‘It’s okay, sweetheart, it was just a nightmare. You’re safe.’ She runs her hand through his hair and then gestures to the alarm clock on the bedside table.

‘You have work in about an hour. I figured you’d want a shower so I woke you up a little early.’ Nate nods mutely and drags himself out of bed and shuffles to the bathroom. He clicks the lock into place and turns on the shower. After pulling off his shorts numbly, he climbs in. Letting the hot water run over him, he tries to figure out what’s wrong. His head is pounding and he feels like there’s something he’s missing. Something doesn’t feel right but he still can’t put his finger on it. Like bugs crawling under his skin, Nate just feels uncomfortable.

He washes quickly and climbs out of the shower feeling a little more human. When he gets back to the bedroom, Rai is nowhere to be seen. He dresses hurriedly and grabs his phone and wallet and runs downstairs. At the last step he stops abruptly.

‘Yes it worked.’ Rai’s low voice floats from the kitchen and his breath catches in his throat. ‘Well, he didn’t ask any questions. Okay. I’ll find out. Of course darling, let me know.’ Confused, he walks towards the kitchen. Rai is stood looking out into the garden leaning against the door frame.

‘Who was that?’ Rai jumps and spins around. An odd look darts across her face for a second before she composes herself.

‘Who was what, honey?’ Her voice is sweet as honey and a scowl creeps across Nate’s face.

‘On the phone Adraiana.’ She shifts a little uncomfortably. Nate’s mind leaps into overdrive.

‘Oh, that was work. Nothing interesting.’ Unconvinced but with no time for further questions, Nate shrugs.

‘Whatever. I’ll see you later. Don’t wait up.’ He grabs his keys from the counter and heads out. His mind swirling with questions.

Just a little longer

•October 23, 2017 • Leave a Comment

‘Just a little longer’

They murmur in their deceptive tones

‘Just a little more and it will all be okay.’

They lie sweetly and softly

‘It isn’t that simple.’

Screams her mind

As the days fade to grey

As the thoughts ebb and flow

Tidal sorrow

It aches

It burns

It destroys you from below

Subtle at first

And when you notice it

You can no longer stop it

‘Call me!’ screams her subconscious

Her heart, such as it is

‘Don’t.’ breathes her mind

Secrets and Lies

•August 13, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I’m still not over you

I’m actually doing really well

I keep razor blades everywhere

Everything is going to be okay

I don’t know how to do this anymore

Of course I have something to live for 

It’s just so easy to lose your way

I finally beat this

I slipped, I’m sure you can figure out why 

The little things are all you need 

I have an awful sixth sense built into me now 

I am worth it all

And I hate how much I care, how angry I am still 

I finally found the light at the end of the tunnel 

I remember how I ran through that tunnel, scared for both of us 

I am happy with who I am, with my choices

I thought I was free but the claws are still in me 

One day you’ll be okay too 

One day soon maybe it won’t matter anymore 

You’ll make it out the other side 

But maybe I won’t 

Secrets and Lies 

I know all of it. 


•August 10, 2017 • Leave a Comment

She sits in the warm water

Cigarette in one hand 

A blade twirling in the other

The tourniquets made 

The darkness receding 

Night turns to day

She is alone

As in life 

So in death 

Her fire burns low

The candles burn out 

The cigarettes finished 

Who gets to decide what isn’t an answer? 

•August 10, 2017 • Leave a Comment

‘Suicide isn’t the answer’ 

Who gets to decide what is and isn’t an answer? It really seems a little moralistic. I mean why is it anyone else’s business what a person wants to choose? Is there always another answer? What if you’ve done the therapy? What if you’ve done the medications? What if there’s nothing left? What if you have nothing left? Where is there to go from ‘all my options have been exhausted’? What are you supposed to think when the doctors, the medical professionals don’t give a damn, which is convenient because neither do you? 

You hold on for the next drug, the next therapy, the next thing. But what about after that. People make no sense. Do what makes you happy, don’t ever just please other people for their sakes, don’t settle for something that makes you miserable. What is what makes you happy is to die? What if the only reason you’re not killing yourself is other people? Does that mean you should stop doing that? And what about not settling for what makes you miserable? Well life makes me miserable. So screw you. Don’t judge. Help, if you can. But if you can’t? Don’t judge. It’s not fair.