Festive Cheer

•December 6, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Twinkling lights

Cinnamon spice

Warm and cosy

Long winters nights

Laughter and a chill

Drifts through the air

Happiness can be found almost everywhere

But spare a thought

Just a tiny one

For those people to whom that fun

Brings stress and dread

Bubbling like champagne

Tidings of joy may be what you feel

But not everyone does

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Intrusive

•December 5, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Jump out of the car

Jump in front of that truck

Make that cut

Take those drugs

The voices inside get harder to control

The minutes pass by and you smile although

Your thoughts torment you

No rest for the wicked

The things you see, hear and feel

Aren’t at all real for them

But gods, they’re real for you

Falling down an old well

The darkness feels like home

Because what honestly is the point

Of living anymore

When all you are is sick, broken, hurt

A wrecking ball

A tornado ripping apart all you touch

The fires are burning

As you feel them lick at you

Calling your name

Try to hold on

Just one more day

Contemplation

•November 27, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Sometimes I like to think about my life. About what it has been, what it is and all the things it may become.

I think about the people I’ve known. The ones who have had a profound effect on me and those who haven’t. The people I may have had an effect on. I think about the things I’ve done, good and bad. I think about the things I didn’t do. I wonder where my life is headed, whether I’ll survive my illness or not. I hope that I will. Most days that seems impossible. But some days I believe that I can.

I dream wild things. I dream of things I want to do. I have nightmares about things which are real and some that don’t even exist anywhere except my own mind. I dream of unlikely scenarios alongside events from earlier in my life. In my dream life I am a completely different person. Free, unfettered by physical limitations or problems. I am the best version of myself. I am fearless and strong. I am beautiful and free. I belong to nothing and no one. I am alive.

I have always been most at peace at night. I find comfort in the darkness and tranquility looking at the night sky, at the stars. I stare up at the heavens for hours just thinking about nothing. I wonder what’s up there. Beyond our atmosphere, beyond our little planet. I wonder what is out there, and indeed what is all around us on our own planet. Spirits, demons, angels, aliens or just creatures from different places. Who can say?

Most of us rarely look inside ourselves, not really. We are oblivious of who we really are and who we have the potential to be. Yet, we also don’t really look to closely at others either. Some people are more difficult to figure out than others and some are easy to read. As for us, we don’t like to look into ourselves for fear of what we will find there. I have spent far too long looking at myself, I have found things about myself which I love and some which I hate. I’ve tried to work on those things I dislike, tried to make those dark truths more palatable. Tried very hard to change those things about myself which make me a worse person. Everything has the potential to teach us a lesson. It’s what we make of those things, whether we choose to learn or ignore the opportunities we are given.

Sometimes you just have to jump. To take that chance, to do the thing that scares you, just to see what that will happen. We are always evolving, or we should be. If not we will stagnate. Life is about change and evolution. If nothing else, it keeps things interesting.

Halloween

•October 31, 2018 • Leave a Comment

There are scarier things in the world

Than ghouls or skeletons or zombies

Humans are the real monsters of which to be afraid

We do terrible things to each other

With no thought for the consequence

No end to the pain

No thought for recovery or for reconciliation

Just a deep seated lack of consideration

For anyone but themselves

You, who claim to be so wronged

Are the one who showed no mercy.

There will be reckoning one day, my dear

And you will understand what you did

And you will understand how much your lack of mercy cost you

 

 

Personal Effects

•October 25, 2018 • Leave a Comment

I was looking for something today, and I found some old letters and cards. Now before, this would be a cause for drinking and worse. But today? It is a cause for contemplation. It is food for thought. For thoughts of long ago. When I spent my whole time apologising. There is not one note professing his feelings. Not one. And yet, the feelings I poured forth were real. They were painful and fought for. I had such love, such affection in my heart, in my soul. To what end? What was I rewarded with? Nothing. Not one damn thing. There is not one note. not one scrap of paper in amongst that stack which shows that I meant anything. I don’t know what I meant to him. I thought he loved me. I believe he did in my heart. But I don’t understand how I justified it. The apologies. The bending to the will of another in almost all things for their satisfaction. I don’t know how he justified it, in his heart, in his soul, the terrible choices. The lack of mercy. Grasping at straws for nothing except to save his own reputation. One time or another, there was moments where our feelings seemed clear. But were they. I was young. So much younger and more naïve than I am now. I sit now, a woman grown. And I am better for it. Better for the place I am in now. The people I have surrounded myself with. But sometimes, just sometimes I wonder what our lives would have been like. If we had made it work. If I had done as he asked, and abandoned my lover, the man who will be my husband soon enough. Would we have been happy? Would we have still been together? Would we have been married as he so venomously threw at me, one dark evening of blackmail and vitriol? Would we have had children? Would we be spending Christmas with his parents, who were so kind? So loving and so thoroughly blinded by that love. Despite many conversations about how difficult he was. I know what my life is now. I know who I am, I know where I will be in a month, 6 even a year or more. But occasionally, I wonder. About the trials he faced, alone because he pushed away so many people out of pettiness. About how many people he has lost, to age or to natural wastage or indeed to his own pain. I will forever be the villain in his story, as he is often painted by those closest to me. I know we both made bad decisions. But we are older now.

Day Drinking?

•October 8, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Disclaimer: Chances are this won’t make a lot of sense.

We saw you today, time hasn’t been all that kind on you. Or maybe it’s just my memory that’s glossed over your faults. Maybe it’s that I know who you are, warts and all, that colours how I see you now. You are exactly how I remember and yet some unknown quantity. I like to think you’ve changed, I know I have, but I’ll never know. Only you know that. In theory, I mean maybe you don’t. You were never all to clear on who you were. In fact it took you a whole book of poetry of varying qualities to tell the universe you don’t know. I guess it’s to be expected. We burnt too bright, too hot and far too fast. But you were something to me. You may think you never were, or perhaps you just say that so that people will feel sympathy for your plight. Maybe you think the pain I left you with fuels the tortured artist that I’m sure you think you are. But I loved you. Maybe I still do. Maybe I always will. Maybe I’ll never stop jumping when I see you. Maybe my heart will never stop racing. Maybe I’ll never stop being a strange mix of afraid and riddled with regret. Of a longing that I don’t understand and that I abhor. You write of horrible fates for me, of how you never cared. You did. I know you did. You know you did. One day maybe you’ll finally own it, like I have been forced to. Maybe you’ll take responsibility for your parts. Maybe you won’t be so tortured. Maybe you’ll suffer for what you did. I don’t think you ever suffered. Not like I suffered. Not like I have. I imagine if you ever see this, you’ll use this, and the rest of the writing on this site as proof of what a horrible tortured soul I am. Maybe you’ll tell yourself that this is an example of who I am, who I was. It’s never been fair. How we ended, with your hand around my throat. There was never any closure. Never any conclusion to our lives together. It was just over. You say you don’t know who you are. But you’re a coward. Too afraid to face your past, to embrace the mistakes that were made, You can’t even look at me now. Let alone talk to me. I don’t believe that you have it in you. You never did. I don’t think that even if you read this you’d lack the balls to call me. Or speak to me. To talk it out. I would. There’s no denying it’d be difficult. Probably one of the hardest things I would ever have had to do. But I would do it. Because it’s the right thing to do.

Upon reflection, there’s a lot of maybes here. But there’s a lot that I do know. That I am a stronger person than you will EVER be. That you will never have enough courage to face me again. That while everyone made mistakes, I came out in pieces and built my life from the ground up. From the nothing you left me with to everything that I have today. So thanks. And while I really could use the closure that talking to you one last time would give me, I can do without it. If you ever feel like you have it in you, you have my number. You know where I drink. Tonight included. So we’ll see. And if you show up, I’ll buy the drinks. But hey. It’ll never happen. Here’s to day drinking. Red wine has strange effects on the mind.

High Lord

•September 20, 2018 • Leave a Comment

Gentle and caring

He holds her close

She calls him home

And he comes running

The light to banish all the darkness

All that came before

Love is delicate like a flower

In the harshest winter it may die

But under the gentle warmth of spring

It grows and blossoms

The sweet scent banishes

The old stench of fury and pain

The warm, soft caresses

Names on each others lips

The future that she never expected

But always wanted

She kneels before him

The High Lord of her heart

But he pulls her to her feet

Because there is no kneeling

No superiority

Equals

For as she is his

He is hers

His High Lady

Together they can do anything

Gone are the days of forced deference

Gone are the days of judgement 

On her hair colour 

Her outfit choice or her friends

She is who she is

He expects nothing less 

Their love is something new to her

The ring glitters on her finger

The way she always wanted it to

And today

She is who she always wanted to be

Who she always knew she could be

Who she never was with him